This is a lengthy personal post that leads into a larger issue that affects many people in society. Take your time reading it if it interests you.
One of my biggest beliefs is in people helping other people. I want to thank everyone who has shared or “Liked” my blog or my posts on Facebook. I want to thank my friends and relatives who have in any way acknowledged, supported or encouraged my efforts.
This started being a difficult year financially in May when I incurred a large plumbing bill that was nearly $700. I’m still climbing my way back up to financial security.
Special thanks to my Rita’s Resales customers on Facebook. I enjoy selling things which helps people get what they need and do what they like to do. I’m glad that my dear yarn went to good homes.
I’ve had a few close friends give me work to do for them. These days I’m working on writing copy for a mental health counselor’s web site. It’s been a fun and interesting project for me. I love to write nonfiction.
If you haven’t seen them yet, go see my paintings at Gallery Café at Freeport Public Library. They are titled “Rise Blue” and “Move in Space.” I’m very proud of the fact that I was able to do what it took to create them and meet the deadline with everything else that I have going on in the background of life.
Going for the opportunity to show my art work for the first time in public was quite an accomplishment for me. So many steps were involved. I was there when all of the artists’ paintings were hung, that was more work than the Momentum Art Guild committee expected.
Something about me is that I’m open with my feelings and usually know how to manage them. I learned how. I read a lot of self-help and self-improvement books and articles. Youtube.com has many videos with seminars, classes and advice about how to deal with issues in life.
I’ve been re-reading parts of Life Strategies by Phillip C. McGraw, Ph.D. That book and Self Matters (also by Dr. Phil) were game changers for me, highly enlightening and empowering.
Ho-hum. Something that I deal with in life is boredom that comes from lack of companionship, specifically the companionship of a male near my own age and stage of life. I don’t feel that my life is balanced, there is a very noticeable lack of testosterone in my life.
The people I’m around for prolonged periods of time are usually women and elderly. I like variety in life, newness, a different perspective. As a homeowner, I’d be very interested in a man who knows how to fix things around the house!
I did online dating off and on for several years. I observed two common themes:
#1 The men live far away.
#2 The men are still hurt over past relationships and can not move forward emotionally out of fear of being hurt again.
That includes childhood and parental wounds. They can talk about their feelings, but don’t seem to know what to do about them.
Where are the emotionally healthy single men in Stephenson County, IL? Ones who know how to deal with life’s problems in constructive ways. Ones that I could walk up to and speak to in person. I want to know what actions they took that made them the way that they are, able to face difficult situations and feelings within themselves without backing down or turning off. That information definitely needs to become well known.
I want to know what preceded the decision to do what it takes to get what they truly want in life. That’s something I want readers to help me with. Is it possible that I’m overlooking these guys when I’m out in public? If so, please step forward. Help your wounded bros!
That I have standards and am honest have been pointed out to me by others as possible reasons why I haven’t been able to meet someone compatible. I prefer relationships that are long-term, meaningful and emotionally intimate. I want to know who you really are, even the uncomfortable parts that aren’t easy to acknowledge. I’m candid about my own struggles and ask for help when I get stuck.
A chronic issue that I deal with is weight. I gained about 12 lbs. from eating and drinking lots of delicious simple carbs since May when I really had to get my butt in gear. I’m back up to size 16.
Since I don’t have a regular companion, I don’t have practical assistance with things most of the time. Eating and drinking gives me energy to do things. I love to eat just as much as I love to exercise. I like to kickboxing workouts. Exercise helps me dump stress. I know that I have the ability to rise to the challenge of eating fewer simple carbohydrates because I’ve done it before.
I don’t smoke anything. I’m not 420 friendly. (Look it up.) I don’t drink and am unlikely to want to be with a drinker. I’ve never been married and don’t have any kids which I think started to attract religious men. I generally don’t have interest in religion or large group settings, so meeting someone at church who is religious would not work in the long run.
The last guy I went out with was from Madison, WI. He seemed to have his head screwed on straight and was very intelligent. Making plans to meet went smoothly. That’s a sign that you’re dealing with a mature person; it’s easy to do simple things with them. They don’t feel a need to make excuses or drag things out since they know what they want.
Like the Madison guy, I have met or chatted with many guys that I would call “good guys.” However, there wasn’t a mutual romantic interest and/or the long distance was an issue.
Men do know how to communicate, it’s just that they can get to a point where they choose not to. The men who shared their deep thoughts and feelings with me were clear about them. I think they needed someone who’d listen, not a date, since they were not in a condition to deal with developing genuine feelings for another woman.
Most of the emotionally wounded men I encountered when I was looking for companionship revealed their pain, then after showing that vulnerability, stopped communicating with me. They ran. They have what is called approach-avoidance conflict. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Approach-avoidance_conflict
I’ve learned a lot about psychology as a result of my efforts to find a compatible partner. There are a lot of damaged people out there! What they do about that damage is what must be noted.
I learned that when a man’s fear lessens or he becomes hungry again for the companionship of a female, he will seek her out to feel good and get his needs met again. If she accepts this hot & cold behavior, a tiring emotional rollercoaster results.
Are you tired of getting hurt? Set boundaries! How? First, know what you like and what you don’t. For as long as you tolerate it, people will treat you the way you allow them to. If you’ve told someone that you don’t want to be treated a certain way and they keep doing the thing you’ve voiced displeasure with, that probably means they don’t respect themselves enough to respect you. You can’t fix someone else’s low self esteem.
The great news is that you can choose your own reactions to what people do to you. You can make the decision to stop participating in the insanity and move on. People will change on their own timetable when they’re ready, if they want to at all.
Once you recognize that you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing and you’re being jerked around, oh boy, accept that it’s unlikely to stop happening because that’s just how the other person deals with life. If you know what you want, care about yourself, have plans and goals for your life, you’re less likely to put up with it. You move on fast because you’ve got important things to do!
If I’m not asleep or relaxing, I stay occupied doing things when I’m by myself. I’ve lived alone for 18 years. I looked up “the fear of being alone” online in an effort to understand it. There is a term for the fear of being alone: monophobia. http://anxietycare.org.uk/docs/fear_of_being_alone.asp
I’m introverted which means that I am reinvigorated by quiet time spent alone. Thanks to an active thought life, I have a high tolerance for my own company which makes me unable to relate to the fear of being alone which can be a reason why people accept poor treatment.
I like stability and consistency in my life. There’s no drama. I’d rather be bored into a stupor rather than deal with the types of Jerry Springer Show guest problems that I see.
I know who I am. I know what I am. I know that I’m caring, understanding and reasonable.
I have stable, loving relationships in other life areas so when something less than that is offered, I can pass it up easily.
High-quality relationships that uplift, encourage and inspire are what I seek.
If you’re an emotionally healthy man who lives in Stephenson County or you’ve spotted one in the wild, send me a message describing what you did to get that way: RitaHawk17@comcast.net
I’m willing to speak with you on the phone if that’s your preferred communication tool.
Regardless of gender, if this blog post struck a chord with you in any way, leave a comment below or send me a message. If you need help getting unstuck in life, it’s possible that I might be able to point you in the right direction–up, up, up!
Thanks for sharing Stephenson County Spotlight!